(I'm not sure who wrote this, but my uncle sent it to me, and ... Happy Holidays to those celebrating from tonight)
Christmas vs. Chanukah
Just in case anyone asks you what the difference
is between Christmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25th. Jews
also love December 25th. It's another paid day off from work. We go to the
movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever
sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts,
forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the
same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the
kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or
other Jewish funeral homes.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is
a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill
us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as
jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear,
socks or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide
how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah,
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that
burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah
6. Christmas brings
enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared
enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the
7. Christmas carols are beautiful: Silent Night, Come All
Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party
and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't
Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home
preparing for Christmas smells wonderful - like the sweet smell of cookies and
cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home
preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always,
is full of loud people all talking at once
9. Christian women have fun
baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands
grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our
suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver presents to their
children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a
gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story
have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the
Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can
spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and
they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history
12. Many Christians
believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yosseleh, Bubbala, snap out of it.
Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame
G-d? Here's the number of my shrink.
13. In recent years, Christmas has
become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even
though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major
holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul,
beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your
family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah.
explains a lot. Happy Chanukah and Merry Christmas.